It happens fast. Faster than a word.Faster than a blink. You could be dancing on rainbows one second and turning against yourself in the next. You will regret every second of leisure took. The conversations you had. The extra long meals you shared withholding faces. You could have done one more problem. Asked one more question. Read one more section. Done something more. That unknown more will haunt you for days, weeks, months to come. When your defenses are at their lowest, it will creep back into your ear. No excuse or lie to yourself will erase the feeling. Pin the tail of blame will not satisfy. You messed up. You have to fix it. You have to live with it. You caused this disappointment. You failed. Shame on You. Shame on your cow. A head filled with useless facts. A head harboring pain instead of the achievement felt by others. If only it clicked. If only there were no ‘if onlys’. No ‘ifs’. No pain. No weight on my chest watching me struggle with my past, present, and future. I messed up. It's my fault. I didn't understand or fully grasped would have happened if I overloaded. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Shame. Pain. No gain. Waning. Disappearing down the hole. I'm late. I'm late for a very important date with the darkness growing inside.
But thanks to writing I can finally see the light. A smile is on the horizon. I am picking up the pieces. I am human. I am me and this is how I truly learn.