All of these emotions whirled through my brain as I started to unwind from retreat mode. As I read the letters that my group members gave to me, my heart was touched. Any darkness within was expelled. A light shone through my mind and I saw myself clearly for the first time.
“I am bad and that’s good, I will never be good and that’s not bad, there’s no one I’d rather be than me.”
Words that rang so clear in my ears and heart. I was able to express the true me for the first time in a long time.
It felt good not to stress about my current life situation for a day. It was great not to have to do homework for just a little bit. I was glad I didn’t have to suppress my accent around people I met. I was me, in that small moment, a me unburdened by anything. Happiness.
But then it all crashed. The foundation I thought was so strong, shattered like a window during a hurricane. All it took was one call. Heated words. Miscommunication to the third degree.
It happened so fast. Too fast. It was as if they knew the exact moment to call. The moment when I was just started to wind down from the high. When I was still vulnerable.
Now I am back to hiding. Hiding myself behind the many layers of pressure. Homework, studying, and endless expectations. No wall or bomb shelter can protect me from the fallout. I am avoiding questions and eye contact. I am trying so hard to will myself not to cry. Not to let that sign of weakness show. I must remind myself that I am me. I should be happy with my choices, not regretting them constantly. I should be making experiences and connections. Not hiding away in a small corner where the world’s light cannot touch me. But the weight on my heart and mind are crushing. My strength is failing. My knees are trembling. I cannot hold back a hurricane with a small wooden shield. I am becoming a leaf in the torrent winds. Quickly flying from one place to another. Slowly being torn apart
It takes a person…my person…to open their arms and embrace my tattered leaf. They start picking up the pieces that the storm has torn from me. I can see a shimmer of light as mind tethers on the edge to oblivion. One person to add a space of color to the black canvas upon my life’s easel. I can see the hope.
I remembered something from retreat. A phrase I said nonchalantly in response to one of my team-member’s stories. Something that re-energizes me and pushes me away from the edge. Something I will share with all who may share in this darkness and feel that their canvas is monochromatic.
“We are all canvases with the same colors. We are all just painted in different ways”
Don’t let the darkness consume your light. Find your person and stick to them. Never let anyone try to destroy your dreams.